Donald's Story - Finding hope
"Our bond was magical."
Growing up, I seemed to have everything going for me. Parents who loved me (and continue to), older siblings who always supported me, good grades, athletic achievements, and lots of friends. Looking back today, I can acknowledge how often I felt insecure and “less than” in many social settings. I started using drugs and alcohol heavily at a young age, and by my early 20s, things had already begun to spiral out of control.
The next 20 years were filled with self-inflicted wreckage and, much worse, pain and wreckage that those closest to me had to suffer through because of my addictions. Lost jobs, destroyed relationships, worried and broken hearts, and ever-worsening despair and depression for me.
Despite this, I was fortunate enough to be given the greatest gift of my entire life: the birth of my son. Even though I was still trapped in my addiction and deteriorating mental health, when I was with my son, I felt a love and happiness that made all my pain melt away and gave me the comfort of feeling that my life had purpose and could be joyful. Our bond was magical.
However, my addiction didn’t care, and the emotional pain I caused him by not being there when he needed me so many times—for days or weeks at a time—was the worst violation of the trust and love he needed and deserved from me. The guilt and shame of this took me to the darkest places I’ve ever been mentally and spiritually.
My sponsor introduced me to the practice of gratitude several years ago. Although I still struggled with sobriety and mental health, I practiced gratitude frequently with a daily list. Then I started using the Gratitude App. It helped me to begin to shift my focus to the good stuff that was already in my life that I tended to overlook.
Practicing gratitude was one of the first things I would do when trying to get sober following a relapse. Practicing gratitude became my “go-to” action and helped me pick myself up each time I was knocked to the ground. Incorporating gratitude into my thought process improved my perspective on life, which helped me fight back the depression and hopelessness.
I began trying to live in gratitude by being kind to others, being less selfish, and looking for ways to be useful instead of always self-serving. I still have tons of room for improvement, but trying to live this way just makes me feel better and helps alleviate some of the shame and self-loathing that can overwhelm me sometimes. The daily affirmations were awkward for me at first, and honestly still are, but I believe they are taking root.
I have 64 days sober today. My son and I tell each other “I love you” daily, sometimes more. I get to take him to football practice, make his meals, and spend time with him. I am becoming the dad he deserves. I am profoundly grateful for this. I also would like to thank all the other people who shared their stories.
