Khalilah's Story - The flow of the tides
"Motherhood isn’t perfect, easy, or always beautiful, but I love it nonetheless."
I have recently undergone surgery for tubal ligation (or tied my tubes). Since then, I have been particularly grateful for sticky hands and early mornings. Even the occasional eye rolls are met with much more understanding and patience because I know this won’t last. Obviously, motherhood isn’t perfect, easy, or always beautiful, but I love it nonetheless. I see how finite the time spent with my children truly is.
There are multiple layers to this newfound gratitude. I’m not just grateful for my children; it’s the whole package. I’m grateful I had the ability to carry my babies and give birth to them. I’m also grateful for the life-changing experience that comes with being a mother. I’ve grown so much as an individual, and I’ve learned so much about my strengths and weaknesses. I’m so happy for pregnancy, where I used to take it for granted and see it as burdensome. I know not all women can experience it. So, my last two pregnancies, I tried to make the best of (as much as possible). I knew the decision was brewing.
But now that time has passed, and my husband supported my big decision, I knew for certain that I wanted to have the surgery—me, not him (I’ve heard stories where vasectomies failed), not any birth control (which is temporary)—just me, taking the steps to completely move out of the childbearing era.
Now, let me give a little backstory. I have seven beautiful children, two of which are twins—that was a high-risk pregnancy. My children range from teenagers to tweens to toddlers, the youngest being 9 months. Needless to say, there’s never a dull moment. The decision didn’t come from a place of malice or regret. Rather, my last two pregnancies were just so difficult, mentally and physically. I had developed gestational diabetes, and my mental health took a huge dive. I knew I was done.
I found myself fighting so much negativity. Emotional stress can sometimes cause more complications. I was not in a good headspace at all. I almost couldn’t recognize myself. I wasn’t the positive, energetic pregnant person I had been in the past. I downloaded the gratitude app, hoping to journal and try to move into a more positive mind space so I wouldn’t spiral into postpartum depression. I felt super empowered making the decision to tie my tubes, and still, I have no regrets.
Now I look at my children, filled with so much gratitude, soaking in every stage, every moment I get to spend with them, and just cherishing them for who they are. I’m trying to appreciate the big and small milestones. I know one day soon, they will all be grown, and I’ll look back, wishing I had slowed down and appreciated these times.
I am filled with gratitude for my opportunity to be a mother and experience motherhood, as well as celebrating a new era.
