Mits' Story - Rainbows not grey clouds
"I lost my spark and personality..."
I was in a very dark place a few years ago, trapped in a controlling marriage with a husband who didn’t want me to go out or make decisions. The control was mostly psychological. I lost my spark and personality, and while most people noticed, no one said anything. My connection with my kids changed, and I felt disconnected from them, just going through the motions of life, trying to pull myself together with exercise, routine, and getting out of the house.
One day, I just got up and left with the kids. I couldn’t bear to be in the same house as my ex-husband any longer. The atmosphere was so toxic that I was walking around with a body camera because I feared an attack. He wouldn’t let me lock my bedroom door at night and criticized everything I did with the kids. Once I left, I had the best night's sleep I’d had in years. Slowly, I began to rebuild myself. Despite his attempts to punish me in various ways, I kept getting back up. The police were called several times, and it began to feel like chronic trauma. On top of that, my family didn’t believe that he was controlling and abusive, accusing me of making it up.
I was advised to take a four-week break from work, which I couldn’t afford at the time, but I followed the advice. One of the things I was encouraged to do was to meditate and practice gratitude daily. I had seen many apps for spiritual development but liked the clear layout and gentle tone of the Gratitude app.
I began using the app daily for gratitude entries, journaling my thoughts, affirmations, manifestations, and my gratitude for life. It helped me see the good things I had. I had supportive work colleagues who acted as my counselors over the past year, without whom I might have broken down. I also had two amazing friends who were my rocks. I was immensely grateful for escaping the abuse, having a safe space to breathe, and, most importantly, for my two sweet children who had been trying to make sense of what had happened.
In the meantime, my son was diagnosed with a serious neurological condition, which was overwhelming. But keeping up with my gratitude app helped me start my day on a positive note, providing a safe space to jot down my thoughts (journaling felt risky because, as a child, I never had privacy and feared my inner thoughts being read by someone). I created different sections for affirmations, my future self, gratitude, and now a small section for my son and daughter. They absolutely love adding their own gratitude entries, and reading them brings tears to my eyes. I see how much they appreciate having me in their lives, and without reading their entries, I wouldn’t have known how much they value me.
I have learned to find gratitude, which helps me see the rainbows in life rather than just the clouds. I’d rather walk through life seeing rainbows than grey clouds.
