Note: This story has graphic details of self-harm. Please exercise caution if this is something that can trigger you.
When I was born the battle begun. God fought hard but the devil won. God told the devil there'll be a day. She will realize what it means to pray. The devil laughed and said we will see. I'll make it so she can't ever leave me.
So he began to toy with her mind. Put thoughts of leaving the world behind. Inside her head, he'd whisper a lie. You'll be better off if to u just die. Anxiety, depression, anger, and pain. He played with my life as if just a game.
The devil laughed as he sent hell my way. 5 years old he took my innocence away. I learned that day, life would hurt. So I buried my pain deep down in the dirt. Outside I was strong but inside I'd scream. The devil said let it play in your dreams.
He finally realized I pushed it away. So he sent another demon away. So many times I was taken and abused. The devil laughed because it was God I accused. I would look up and ask God why. I'd wait for an answer but no reply.
I was filled with so much rage. I held it inside locked in a cage. Again at 9, 13, then one more. He was her son, so grandma called me a whore. That was when I believed his lie. I picked up a knife and wanted to die.
I pressed it down cut it real deep. Watched as the blood began to seep. The sting of the blade was like a high. Cutting numbed me and I knew why. There was comfort in causing my own pain. For once in my life myself I could blame.
The scars on my body will forever last. Covered with tattoos and shattered like glass. I buried everything in hopes that I'd find it. One day I could leave all the memories behind.
The devil said there's more pain to come. He smiled and said I've only begun. He sent temptation, pills, and a drink. Oh, this feels nice I was hooked in a blink. As my addiction began to progress. I started caring less and less.
There wasn't a drug I wouldn't try. I wanted anything that made me high. Pills, alcohol, weed, and then meth. Yes oh yes I like this one the best. I was in love, I was so high. I lost myself up there in the sky.
I liked it up there but when I came down. It all rushed back couldn't silence the sound. All of the demons and pain came back. So I get high to end the attack. a vicious cycle I could not defeat. Addiction the devil Gave me to keep.
I started to feel and all the rage. It found its way out of the cage. I started fighting I didn't care who. I ended up in jail more times than a few. The judge finally sent me away. I came home and thought I was ok.
I was clean, addiction a thing of the past. The devil said to enjoy it while it lasts. He let me be I started to heal. Then the devil came in for the kill. I got married had a baby on the way. The devil decided to take him away.
He kicked me down, the stairs real bad. My son's life was taken by his own dad. He was born I never heard him cry. I screamed at God and said fucking why. The devil laughed and said your son was the first. Now I take everyone let's see who hurts worse.
I started using, began with a pill. My life quickly spiraled it all went downhill. I got divorced and ran far away. I didn't know what was headed my way. Now in a state with no one to help. I discovered a way to make me some wealth. I started hustling I was selling ice. All the money and attention felt nice.
I got busted my first prison stay. The devil took my fucking heart away. They called my name and the prison counselor said. I'm sorry miss but your mother is dead. The devil had her, she believed what he'd say. So many pills she took her own life away.
Spinning in circles, alone and confused. The day I got out I started to use. No one to turn to, just numb the pain. Made one call, got back in the game. This time was different from the past. The fun and excitement didn't last. I was bad in addiction on the run. I hated life so I loaded a gun.
I put it against my head. Pulled the trigger but I'm not dead. God intervened in a major way. He defeated the devil on that day. I continued to use and even sell. Wasn't long till I was back in jail. As I sat there awaiting my trial. I knew that I'd be gone for a while.
I was all alone with no outside help. I got in a bible and I found myself. They sent me to prison for my second time. Maybe this time I would leave it behind. I was determined but still had my doubt. I used 5 hrs after I got out.
This vicious cycle, will it ever end? Will my brokenness even mend. All the thoughts and all the pain. I just want to be numb like Novocaine. Now here we go now, round 3 set me free. Caught again this time it's bad. God intervened I got a year then rehab.
I loved it there I learned how to pray. I was learning to push the devil away. I guess that made him really mad. Because he took my sister and I took it bad. Now left with no family the devil took them all. There are times I pick up the phone but they're not there to call.
I graduated rehab thought I had it beat. But here came the devil and so came the street. Now I'm slowly fading can't look at my own face. For all, I see now is a failure and disgrace. Now I just stop caring I really want to die. I scream at God with tear-stained eyes Why why why!
Now it's time to sit down doing time #4. I still learned nothing in fact I just don't care anymore. Introduced to the needle now I'll never be the same. I'm so high I feel nothing I don't even know my name. The shots keep getting bigger I'm never coming down. I didn't need no one for the new love I had found.
There were people that loved me that begged me every day. The needle was slowly killing me taking my soul away. Wanted to stop, but couldn't let it be. Then you do was the only thing that took the pain for me.
The devil whispered to me that same old fucking lie. I did the biggest shot I could but still, I didn't die. When I finally came to I screamed and asked God why. I want to kill myself why won't you let me die. I was busted shortly after, now another prison stay. This time I had enough I gave my life away.
The devil no longer me God took control. On My knees, I cried out for him to save finally my soul. I felt something different something tingle deep within. God defeated the devil never to win again. I've been through a lot and I stand here today. Not where I want to be but closer every day.
I'm still broken but I'm healing. I'm no longer numbing myself, I'm feeling. God gave me back my life. I have two amazing kids and I'll be his wife. Just when I thought everything was ok. The devil came back in a major way. I was happy didn't want to die. Finally wanted to give life a try.
Had a good job new car, then December. I started having seizures and couldn't remember. Small things like what I had said. An MRI found a spot inside my head. I started having seizures every day. My family held me till I was ok. Now scared no one knows what to do. I fell out at work and lost my job too.
Wanting to give up, life had kicked me down once more, God gave me strength, love, and support more than I could ask for. I am still fighting I'll continue till I win. There's nothing the devil can put me through to steal soul again.
Some days I still have cravings only seconds they will last. In those moments I feel weak I need God to make it pass. Once I was just broken. Grieving and full of blame. I was Addicted, last, and hopeless Head hung in shame.
Couldn't let no one loves me cause I had no love for me. Now I'm beautifully broken God has set me free. I'm learning to forgive myself for all of my mistakes. I no longer have to know my pain every time that my heart breaks. I finally hold my head up I put a smile upon my face.
There was an empty hole I put a family and its place I was broken or so it seemed but now I'm Beautifully Broken and redeemed! My name is Carrie Alan Hunter and this is part of my life story.