I don't remember my mother telling me that she loves me even when I asked her. As a child, I craved her love but that never happened. The only one who truly loved me was my father.
I still remember him bringing me food because my mother had the habit to drink even for days I endured her abusive behavior until one day after my birthday my father died.
As a child, I didn't understand what is death. I didn't understand that I will not see him again and why my mother blamed me for his death.
I was only 10, my only refuge was to stay near his grave asking him why he left me alone in this cruel world. I was so upset and angry at him. I thought that worse than this cannot happen in my life but I was so wrong.
It was a beautiful summer day when I noticed something strange on my back I noticed a hump. In my childhood mind, I thought my wings were growing and I would finally be able to fly to my father.
My mother noticed when it was visible. We went to the doctor to see how bad it was and that is when I was diagnosed with thoracic and lumbar scoliosis. The doctor told me that I will die if I will not get operated on and I will never have kids.
I was so angry at his words and at that time I said to myself that I will not let anyone write my life. My mother started preparing for my funeral she didn't care much about it.
Kids at school started laughing, insulting, and giving me different names. Because of this I closed in myself and started to think that maybe death wasn't so painful as it is, but as soon this thought came, I said to myself I am not a coward, I am not giving up and I never gave up.
After a couple of years, I met my husband and he accepted me the way I am and he gave me two beautiful girls. I struggled every day with pain and with the feeling that he is beside me for pity.
We had so many downs because of my temperamental behavior. I knew that something deep inside needed to change so I started searching my path of healing.
Now everything that I've been through is all in the past, I started to love every inch of my body and how perfect I am in every way.
When I started to love myself, all the pain from scoliosis disappeared. I noticed that changes started to occur. I didn't have hate and other negative feelings anymore.
I forgave my mother for all things, and I let go of the painful memories of my father's death. I began to say these words like a mantra "My body is the temple of my soul", "If I will be born again in this life with the same body I will do it again and again."
This much I changed and I don't regret anything. I know it can be very hard but no matter how hard it is, never give up. Love yourself and heal your soul.