Alyda: So it started in the year 2018, I'm a nurse at the hospital, and I have been waiting for a visa in the US. So it's a very long time to wait for the visa. There comes a time that I feel frustrated, hopeless.
Whenever you're feeling that hopelessness, what is the future for, or do I have a future, I become so sad. And I've been anxious at my work. So the sadness from the anxiety because of the COVID, and all their pressures, so it just got me. And I was really sad that sometimes there are thoughts of suicide.
And so I told myself that I should not stay here at this point. So I have accepted that I had this lowest point of my life. So I had myself tested. And she diagnosed me to be having depression because of those situations that I'm in.
I have accepted it, I took medications, and I need to do something about myself, I should not stop in that situation. So I researched for applications that could really help me. I'm into social media, like Instagram and I saw @gratefulness.me.
If you're being grateful in your life, even for the smallest things, it can change your life, just try that. So what I did was, I downloaded the Gratitude app.
And then I started writing about the things that I'm grateful for because I've been more focused on the negativities, I've been more focused on what I'm lacking. I do not have my dream career right now, I'm not happy with my job.
I'm not happy with the people that I'm being surrounded by. So it started with the simplest things that I'm grateful about.
So, for example, I mentioned in one of the journals that I wrote in Gratitude: I am grateful that we have shelter, we have food on the table, I have a family because you know, most of the posts on social media show that they're losing their family, because of COVID, and some families don't have money to provide for their needs.
The Gratitude app really helped me to change my attitude towards life. And I think it's more of the perspective because if we focus more on being negative or being like this, "I do not have this." "Why don't I have this?" "Why do other people have it?"
Actually, to be honest, when I started doing the gratitude journal, it gave me some sort of happiness, though I'm depressed. But it did something to me. And I'm really, really grateful that I have discovered the Gratitude app.
Aarushi: And how did you stumble upon it? So you were looking on Instagram? What were you searching for?
Alyda: You know, sometimes we choose what we want to see. Right? So, I rarely use my Facebook because I don't want to see negativity. Like the news.
So on my Instagram, I only follow those pages that can boost my mood or which can motivate me. For example, the positivity that my feelings are valid, even though sometimes people will belittle them because some people are worse than you.
And you should not be able to feel this way, because they're worse than you. And so if you invalidate my feelings, I have to check some pages that could really understand me, right? So yeah, one of them is @gratefulness.me.
And then there's a link in the bio that says you can download this app to be more grateful. And that I think, is the one that I'm lacking.
You know, people nowadays are not appreciative of what they have, we always see what is lacking. We are comparing ourselves to others. And I think that should be changed.
I have written some poems, and I posted on Instagram about the apps that helped me change my perspective. And I think we should improve it. Because not everyone is being blessed with life, shelter, food, water, you know, all those kinds of things.
Aarushi: Did I hear you right? Did you see that you wrote a poem?
Alyda: Yeah, I wrote a poem about my depression and I just wanted to express myself more.
Aarushi: Would you like to that share it, if you're comfortable?
Alyda: Yeah. Yeah. No worries. Okay, so the title is 'Depression'.
"Sadness, loneliness, emptiness.
What else can I say?
Three words that are dark and powerful to say
It fills up the hearts and leaves them ashamed
No wonder many are there who are feeling afraid
It is not only about feeling sad about the things
But rather being sad even if you have everything
Simple as it may seem, but to see
many are being drowned in the value of fear
It's all in your mind, they said,
But it's not that easy as just lay down on our bed
It takes a deeper understanding and an open mind
that it's not the jury who wish to be bind
The last thing I want to tell
is for you to be kind and well
Because even if you can see them smiling
It cannot steal the emotion they are hiding"
And I also have one for anxiety, because I have experienced panicking and severe anxiety. So let me just share that as well.
"I cannot feel my heart, but I know it's beating too fast
Rapid breathing, don't know how long it's gonna last
I can't stop it and I can't seem to catch up
No fair, I want to escape
Why is it I'm really scared?
When it hits me, it comes with this
I think I can't and what if?
It runs in my mind like a broken tape
And spreads all over my body and breaks like a vase
I know I'm not like this
I don't know myself in times like this
I want to run, but how?
I want to hide, but where?
Oh sweetie, I know this will end
Like other miseries that have come to an end
The only question is how much longer you can hold it inside
Because I don't know what else can I do with this but to cry"
Aarushi: You did a great job to really expressed how it is. And, yeah, for depression, you don't have to have a reason to feel sad. And if you express it to someone, they will say, "Oh, just focus on the positive or just don't do that."
Alyda: It's easier said than done, really. And if people will just say, "Oh, be grateful that you have this, stay grateful that you have this."
But it's different is there it's coming from them, it's a lot different if it's coming from you if you accept that you're having this. And if you want to change this, you will really do something about it, it will change the game.
It really if you will be the one who will really tell yourself that you should be like this. And you should be grateful for this than others telling you to be like that. Right? So I changed my game.
And I'm here. My doctor told me now to continue medication. But now we're reducing the medication. So I'm just taking half of it which is good news for me. So there is an improvement of how I see life.
And she told me that I'm doing great. Yes, before, really, I was really devastated. I was really hopeless. And it's not instant, you know, it's not one day you wake up feeling better. But it's a day-to-day struggle, and then it will come.