Lameez's Story - What does friendship mean to you?

"I realized that not everyone can appreciate me."

Image with illustration of a blue flower

It means everything. I give my all, or I gave my all, for friendships. Due to my life-changing experience, I have learned so much that I now only give what the next person brings to the table. And to those who are genuine, I will do anything. I treasure them.

I am sure my friends, or whom I thought were my lifelong day ones, would know that I make any human feel special because all I want is for anyone to be happy. If I can even just make a random stranger smile, my heart would be filled. I never expected anyone to do what I would do in return, never. Because anything I did was done with a good heart and pure intentions.

I needed friends who supported me, who checked up on me, who never judged me, who never left me when my situation got worse. I just needed to know that I had someone I could speak to with no judgments. Someone who wouldn't get upset with the choices I made because I had to figure things out for myself and not abandon me while I was figuring my life out.

Advice was given, but I chose to do what I felt was necessary. This was my situation. I just needed comfort, reassurance, just someone who listened when I needed to speak. I felt alone in a dark world, confused as hell. Imagine how I sat alone, wondering the whys and how-comes and maybes. As I was going through the worst time of my life, I slowly figured out that those whom I treasured and would climb mountains for didn't actually care about me as I did them. And those who know I was all about birthdays—hey, last year, my 40th, no less—I wasn’t even a status update, or I didn’t even get any wishes, etc.

I have learned and seen so many things since I started to get on the healing journey and recovery, and taking back my life, getting out of the darkness to find myself, love myself, my appearance, just me being myself again—the jokes, the laughter, and having someone say, "OMG, you’re so crazy," while laughing so loud at random shit that would just come out of my mouth, lol.

As I type this, I feel the genuine heartache, the hurt all over, but it's all part of the process that I need to go through to forgive those who broke me further when I was already broken. I just need to trust the process. I cannot hold on to the hurt because how will I ever heal? So, forgiveness sets me free. And where my whole self is set now, I don't expect anyone to even respond because this is something I needed to do for myself. The old me would have overthought a nonresponse, and it would have been so bad.

I can now confidently say, the next one will never be like me, and I still don't expect anyone to. I mean, I am unique, I am kind, I love hard and learned hard, so now I am working on this. I am so fucking amazing.

Everything that has occurred was written for me. Way before my time, even before my I was conceived. So, I embrace it, I don't question it anymore.

Trust the process.

The words of one of my closest and dearest that I keep in my heart are, "I will never leave you." I will keep it with me forever and ever! The same person told me, "I am so glad and proud that you didn't give up."

I used to search for my worth in somebody's eyes. But as I learned to love myself, I also realized that learning to appreciate myself is more valuable than begging for appreciation from other people. I have learned the hard way. I have learned to love myself while being alone. I have learned to appreciate myself when everybody made me feel unwanted. I have learned to value myself when nobody else did. I have learned to see my worth when everybody said that I was worthless.

I realized that not everyone can appreciate me. Not everyone can treat me right. Not everyone can see my worth. But that's okay. What's important is believing in myself that I am worthy.

So, to those whom I thought were my people, my family, I forgive you.❣️ You will always be in my heart. I do not expect any response, as this was done for myself and my own well-being. I don't expect any explanations because you had the right to your feelings.

This started off with tears rolling down my face and flashbacks of hurt and the pain it caused, to a smile and ease in my heart.

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