Sorcia's Story - Reclaiming My Power
"I turned back to God."
This isn't the first time I have written here, but it is the first time I have written with this much clarity, peace, and confidence in who I am and what I have been through.
It wasn't always this way at all.
I grew up feeling out of place. Undiagnosed ADHD, a mom who was a people pleaser, and a dad who was always out of state for work.
I was bullied at school for being genuine and for wanting to be friends with everyone. I was bullied for being a loving and caring person.
When my dad was home, I watched him control my mother.
Now, I don't call either of my parents abusive because, in my opinion, they weren't. But generational trauma is real, and some of their habits taught me habits that made me more susceptible to abuse.
I was very insecure, took on the people-pleasing tendencies from my mom, manipulated people into liking me by lying about myself and my interests, was combative and controlling in my relationships... the list goes on.
It all stemmed from one place though: hurt. Something changed in me after years of being told by my peers that "nice is wrong," and I was in my first toxic relationship when I was about 7 or 8 y/o, with a "friend" who controlled me constantly. I wish I had learned something then...
That's just the back story. The real story I want to tell you started when I was 17. I met someone who was older than me, hot as heck, and insecure enough for me to exert power and control over him by "fixing" him.
That was my whole shtick. If I fix him, he'll never leave 🙄 lol ugh.. anyway.
In the beginning, it was exactly as I wanted, but I had met my match. Soon after we started dating, I found out there is a more sinister side to manipulation... and before I knew it, I was an abuse victim.
I'm not going to bore you with all the crazy details, and this story is about gratitude so I gotta get to that part. But there is great importance in telling one's story because you never know who may be going through it right now 🩷.
We eventually got married. I was absolutely trauma-bonded and went through the wringer with this man. There was no more control left inside of me. I didn't even control my own thoughts anymore.
I became a shell of a human being whose only identity was people-pleasing. Didn't know who I was. Didn't know what I liked. Barely knew what I wanted out of life.
When someone asked me what my favorite movie was, or my favorite song or band, I just defaulted to whatever I liked back when I actually had a favorite anything. Either that or I would tailor my answer to whatever I thought the person asking would like...
I was so stressed out that I started having physical issues. Gained a bunch of weight, was having irregular periods, cysts throughout my body, and developed anxiety and seasonal depression. I couldn't look anyone in the eye and flinched A LOT! I thought most of it was my thyroid... even underwent a very uncomfortable thyroid biopsy. Nothing.
I was pregnant three years after we were married, and my whole brain shifted. I was determined to be the best person I could be for my baby and that meant making changes in myself.
I started developing daily habits like gratitude journaling, walking, and daily affirmations, and I even turned back to God and my family (two very important things that I had all but given up in this relationship).
Things were looking better but I was still being abused at times.
The second baby came, and that's when the real stuff happened.
I almost died. Literally, I'm talking almost DIED from pre-eclampsia.
I had high BP, fluid around my heart and in my lungs, and I don't know if it was God, my wonderful body, or the comfort of knowing that I was finally going to be taken care of after four days of feeling like any minute could be my last, but FINALLY, my body did what it needed to do while I sat in the hospital bed.
My heart thumped about out of my chest like I really thought it exploded. I wish I was exaggerating. The nurse came running in and after that, I peed, and peed, and peed... unfortunately, I was about to be transferred to another hospital so the guys in the ambulance had to deal with that too lol, but clearly, my body had had enough.
I stayed at the hospital for four days. I lost 36 lbs of water that was just sitting in my body, drowning me.
I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses who didn't give up on me. So grateful to my mom for doing everything she had to do, including buying a brand-new car seat for my baby, to take me to the ER. So grateful to God for saving me (even if it was just my body, He made it). And I'm even grateful to myself for getting through the moments during that time that I'm not ready to talk about.
After that, I had a whole new outlook on life.
My growth skyrocketed. I started putting myself first so that I could be fully present with my kids. I learned to set boundaries, take control back over my life, and live in peace regardless of anything else happening around me.
I put an end to the abuse in my relationship and decided to stay with him when he showed me with his actions that he was willing to change. My near-death experience traumatized him too, and he says he realized in that moment that he can't live without me.
Doesn't mean things are perfect, but the fact that I know how to control myself and my emotions for the most part has made me a more peaceful and happy person regardless of my situation.
And I even started a coaching business to help women who are in toxic relationships learn to find their own power and take control over their lives again. Find me on IG @s.louise.coaching.
I practice gratitude every day. Journaling still, but now with more vigor. There's nothing that I'm not grateful for now.
I'm grateful even for the terrible things I have been through, which is a new development in me. Because these things not only taught me the value of boundaries that I never knew I needed but also gave me an opportunity to help others in a way that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise.
That, my friend, is the power of gratitude.
