Submitted by Mary
I'm a 56-year-old woman. Divorced, Widowed, Diagnosed with Major Depression & anxiety disorder.
I also live with Fibromyalgia, F4 cirrhosis of the liver, Osteoarthritis, Degenerate Disc Disease, and insulin-dependent Diabetes type II among other things.
I have been living in constant pain since 1997 and was lonely and scared trying to live alone on my SSDI income.
I felt so alone, unworthy of love, inadequate, unwanted, and useless. People would say things like you need to just get some exercise, you don't look sick or I've never heard of fibromyalgia.
You need to get out more or in the case of my close family they just refused to believe it at all or believed I was just lazy.
Which was probably the hardest to deal with. You should get a second opinion. I ended up getting 16 different Dr.s opinions. They were all the same. The Doctors keep giving me different Medicines and the medication kept getting stronger.
Eventually, I became addicted to the pain medication. Before I became sick, I was a go-getter, type A personality I had always had a job, working hard and making my own way raising my 2 girls.
Trying to be independent, not asking anyone for help. After I became sick I was suddenly unable to do almost anything for myself.
All the diagnoses caused not only terrible pain but profound tiredness that made it impossible to find the strength to even do the most basic things. I was lethargic and unable to even get out of bed most days.
Not able to care for me or be there for my children they would eventually be cared for by my family. I couldn't seem to get out of bed. I felt like a failure, to my children, to everyone.
I couldn't work, I was feeling hopeless and isolated and alone. It was all my fault and I couldn't believe there was any good use for me. I tried to kill myself.
I know that the lowest point you can get to is when a Dr. is tapping on your chest trying to wake you and as you start to swim up out of the fogginess that your mind is in, you realized you are the lowest type of failure.
You couldn't even manage to kill yourself. You failed to die. I had planned it well nobody was supposed to be there for hours. I didn't bolt the door from the inside so when someone came back.
They would have easy access to the house. I even took off my clothes. I laid a blanket down and took every pill I had in the travel bag I kept all my medicine in. All of it. Thyroid medication, Hormones, blood pressure, of course, pain medication, and sleeping meds.
I thought if the narcotics, anxiety, and sleeping meds didn't do it the other medication would surely disrupt something enough to do me in.
But no, through a series of unforeseen events a friend came home early from work and found me unconscious and called the ambulance. This saved my life.
Three days later I was in the hospital with the Doctor thumping me on the chest. Somehow I hadn't died as planned. I was at the lowest place I could possibly be.
No Hope, still with my pain both mental & Physical, My addiction, Homeless, far from any family. I was alone and felt like the most useless failure in the world unwanted by anyone.
They sent me to a mental facility. I was in a very large City so the facility was very crowded and the staff overworked. I was released a few days later with a travel case of new prescriptions in hand.
I was very blessed that the friend who had found me unconscious offered me a place to stay. That person allowed me to stay if I wrote down every morning 5 things that I was grateful for.
So life starts again and even that first time trying to find something in my life besides God, my kids, my friend was really making me think and in a positive way.
Making me realize there was good in my life I had just taken for granted and I began to notice the small beautiful things God sends every day so I could put it on my list of things I was grateful for.
I also began to pray again because in being grateful I began to thank God for things I was grateful for and my relationship with him grew stronger.
Being grateful and thanking God for the things I found to be grateful for changed my attitude. I sought out the good and beautiful things in life leaving the ugly negative alone avoiding as much as possible.
So in that mindset, I read something on Facebook that said you choose your attitude and your attitude is what makes the day a good, pleasant one or a complicated stress-filled one and it just hit me.
That's right! It's all in how we choose to look at things either in a positive way with an attitude of trying to find the good, positive in all situations, the humor, the lesson that you learned, or obstacles you overcame.
Sometimes it's so hard. I get angry, react without thinking, get all emotional and upset. I'm learning that steering myself back from that negative mindset to think of anything positive humorous even ironic helps me.
I've come a long way since then. I'm a happier more content and peaceful person I no longer take pain medication, I have a stronger relationship with God.
My attitude towards suicide has changed I believe it's a selfish act one that is like telling God that you don't have enough faith in him to get you through the hard times.
It is hurtful to those who love you and left with so many questions. He is there, you just have to ask him to be with you to give you strength look for him and you'll find him.
Have faith and you will see miracles. Seek out the positive, beautiful, good things in life you will find them even if it's small. It still counts because it's in trying to find the positive that your attitude is changed and you begin to be more positive.
The effort is enough. I pray all the time now thanking God for the small blessings I see throughout the day and just talking to him about things that come into my life.
I find that as my attitude changed and I was grateful I started attracting more things into my life to be grateful for.
I still write down my 5 if not more now things I'm grateful for every morning but now with the Gratitude app I can write it there and I'm exploring new things like the vision board and affirmations and staying on a positive course.
It is just wonderful to make it easier. I am grateful for the Gratitude app, it's convenient and easy to use anywhere thought the day.