Poorna's Story - Finally home
"I was stuck in a labyrinth..."
I'm a joyous stay-at-home mom. No matter where I go or what I do, this will be my badge of honor. Though not a popular term, I owe all my life lessons to parenting.
As a kid, I used to be spirited and fun-loving. I was socially intact, getting along well with other kids. Over the years, I discovered that spending time with myself was more nurturing and fulfilling than being in the crowd. I developed a taste for art and music.
I enjoyed hours of solitude sketching and playing veena. I was perfectly fine with myself until my teen years, during which our social setting was such that hanging out with your peers all the time was considered cool and appropriate. I slowly began to let go of the nurturing time I spent with myself and spent a lot of time hanging out with them.
As an introvert by nature, I can be social, fun-loving, and move around with people. But I regain my energy with the time I spend with myself.
With the social stigma of equating my introverted nature with being shy and lacking courage, I lapsed into chronic anxiety. I struggled through my teen years, and my parents struggled to bring me back. I started taking medication for anxiety. I did well in school, but despite all this, I wasn't happy.
I completed my graduation and masters as well. While others considered this a great milestone despite my illness, I considered it as dust and treated myself like a doormat.
I gained weight through the years of struggle. Medication was one of the reasons. I knew it all the way, but I couldn't fix it. Several failed trials with numerous dieticians ended in vain. My self-loathing reached its peak, and with more medications to take on, it was a vicious cycle.
I lost some weight; I was on a strict diet. My parents got me married, thinking finding love would make my life better. And it did, to a certain extent. My partner accepted me unconditionally. I had everything, yet I failed in the single most important aspect of loving and accepting myself.
I struggled to get along with my in-laws, who had no idea about me and my life. I really couldn't believe there was a way out. I was stuck in a labyrinth. My husband had hope in me; he took me to a trusted psychiatrist. The doctor took faith in me and assured my recovery.
I slowly withdrew from very high doses. I became a mother. It was a moment of revelation. As I cared for my children, I realized the inner child in me didn't need loathing; all it needed was love, kindness, and acceptance. I started taking over the challenges of raising my children heartily. It improved my self-confidence. I started writing affirmations and kindness quotes to myself every day. I started to look through the brighter side of life by practicing gratitude. It was a journey, and slowly my life got back its sunshine. I went back to my hobbies, I took care of myself and started working on my weight loss.
Now everything seems better, not because of a magic pill, but because of a constant effort and practice to love myself. I have started losing weight, and I have started acknowledging my progress.
After all this, I'm in a place where I'm truly happy to be who I am. As a line from a favorite song goes... "Now, years have passed, and restless legs have settled. We're finally home. Down is up, we've been at the top, we're finally home."
